Polly & Crackers

Another spectacularly random shirt with animals, humans, and sex all mixed up into a weird ball of depravity and simple rhyme. Would you wear this Titty Said the Kitty T Shirt in the park, in the dark, while holding hands with Mark, making the dog bark, reading FARK, or singing Hark…the herald angel sings, glory to the new born king.

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I have absolutely no idea what this 1+2=Naughty T Shirt means or is trying to say. I have nothing. You have some math. You have some totally random. You have a deer and a boy. You have a slight hint of bestiality. Or maybe a kid bringing home a wild animal to domesticate, which is naughty. There’s a little bit of threesome in there, because there’s the one (some dude), plus two (some hot bi-curious chicks) equals some naughty, naughty times.

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Another fine t shirt featuring a woman and a cigarette. So trashy. So true. When it all gets a little too stressful a nice hit over nicotine can make everything just a little bit better. Look how much happier the dame on this Quick Fix T Shirt looks now that she’s blowing a butt. Whatever it takes to get through the night. Am I right?

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Is that Drew Barrymore…if so she’s come a long way from those days as Gerdie in ET. Can you believe how small and cute she is in that movie. And now she’s portrayed on this Cocaine and Cigs T Shirt and marrying and divorcing Tom Green, and showing her rack to David Letterman, and directing pretty decent films. And still being cute.

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What? What, what? You So Geisha T Shirt gets me confused and happy and tired all at the same time. What the hell does it mean? I read Memoirs of a Geisha, and I know they’re sort of high class call girls that also introduce sensual movement, dancing, stories, and, of course, for a few more yen…a happy ending. They are kind of revered in a lot of circles in Japan…definitely moreso than the high class call girl in the United States. Here’s an interesting web page about Geisha culture.

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It’s a classic drink and according to this fine cocktail site, you just need gin, dry vermouth, olive juice, and olives. I guess the dirty comes in the olive juice. Is that right my fine reader? I guess I could look up martini and figure out the difference, and I am going to do this, because I like to go the extra mile for my fine peeps. I see a dry martini recipe that calls for gin, dry vermouth and an olive, so it looks like the olive juice is the distinguishing factor.

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Not exactly sure what this means but I’m going to try and work out where I think this Booty Bumps Say No T Shirt. Dig if you will a picture of you and me engaged in a dance off in the club. Maybe it’s teams. We’re doing some sweet break dancing. Pop locking. Kicks and spins. Maybe we’re taking turns. My turn then yours. Maybe to indicate that I’m done with my set, I sidle up to your side and swing my ass to the side so it hits your ass. Your turn. Booty Bump. Maybe it’s an overused move. Maybe it has been determined by the taste makers that it’s just not an aestetically pleasing movement. Whatever, this shirt from Polly and Crackers is telling you not to do it.

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I think this looks better on a man than on a woman, because there’s a little more invested. You can’t walk around with a I Love Unicorns T Shirt with a total My Little Pony vibe without entering into conversations about your manliness. But, you can’t wear it with irony. That’s my rule. Irony is useless. You have to wear it with the greatest sincerity. You have to exude the wonderment and magic that you know comes from believing in unicorns and appreciating what they represent on a mythological level.

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I like this one. Mohawk, leather jacket, wiry mean, dark eye socket recesses, Fear playing Let’s Have a War in the background, and the dude’s drinking an appletini in a red tinged glass. It’s enough of a disconnect to cause hemmorraging in the brain if you’re not careful. Do you like this Lush T Shirt as much as me? Let me know in the comments.

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Shady Bitch T Shirt

by on March 30, 2011

Get it…she has cool shades and she’s blonde so that means she’s a bitch. Right? I hope you don’t take this the wrong way if you’re a blond girl or woman. I don’t really mean it, unless it’s dyed blond. Then, my statement of fact blond = bitch still stands. Actually, I know some nice ones, so maybe I’ll need to re-assess that rule of thumb. Anyways, the word-image play still stands. The other way you could do this Shady Bitch T Shirt concept is have a dog standing under a leafy tree. Am I right or am I right?

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Mom Says High T Shirt

by on March 29, 2011

Mom is from the fifties and she’s smoking a joint and she has that pointy nose and high cheekbones that all white moms in the 50s had in the United States. And, she doesn’t care if you or your friends see her lighting up doobies because she’s liberated. Your Dad left her two months ago and at first it was hard, because your whole identity gets wrapped up in relationship, but when it breaks off abruptly, especially the way this one did (young cocktail waitress, trip to Mexico, lies, deceit, and an obvious charge on the credit card statement at the local adult “toys” shop. Well, it sped up Mom’s process. She immediately started to let deep feelings rule, and one of the new things she tried that has made it into consistent rotation in her life is getting high. Good for her.

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Good Samaritan T Shirt

by on March 29, 2011

That’s some random dude with his shirt off, and a hat and shades pushing some lady in a wheel chair. This is a little weird. The funny is in the random absurdity. I like it. This girl actually had a boyfriend that was trying to gain karma points by going out with a handicapped person, and she could tell but for a while she didn’t care, because she wanted some attention, but she ended up in his email account one day and saw some of the messages to his bro friends, and discovered that the whole relationship was a cold, calculated scam. So, she had shirtless dude come a little early to pick her up from her job, and he wheeled her out just as cold-heartless came in. She got him good. Just after this Good Samaritan T Shirt picture, she flipped him off and paid shirtless $5.

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