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You hear a lot of Jewish comedians talk about their issues growing up without Christmas. Sounds kind of painful. Definitely would be traumatic seeing old Saint Nick pissing on the candles. Hey…if you remember the Maccabes, Santa is gonna think you’re a nerd and skip your house. You do the fish and dreidel and shit.

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I honestly did not know that Jackie Chan was Jewish. Swear to God. In fact, I’ve never heard of a Jewish Asian until now. But, hey, I’m not gonna judge or mock. I’m going to celebrate the diversity. I’m guessing with Chan kicking the Menora that he slipped from the faith or got bored of the ritual, or simple replaced the Jewish religion with Kung Fu religion. Or maybe that’s the holiday decoration of a neighbor he can’t stand, and he’s finally physically expressing his feelings.

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Happy Fonza T Shirt

by on November 28, 2012

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A little wordplay with Fonzie and Kwaanza. I don’t know much about Kwaanza, but it must involve dried corn, ‘cuz that’s what Henry Winkler is holding. He also seems to have seven red and green candles lit in the background. Not sure if that’s part of the deal, but knowing Tshirt Hell’s attention to detail, it’s probably definitely a big part of the celebration.

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Santa Has Diabetes T Shirt

by on November 28, 2012

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Man, this is tough news to break to the kids. It comes out in the summer. You tell ’em. Yeah he’s getting insulin shots…Mrs. Claus or his favorite elf jams that big needle in his ass. He’s on the caveman diet (except he’s always cheating). And, he hopes to have all of his limbs and eyesight when Xmas rolls around so he can deliver the goods. But, it’s not a sure thing. Yep, it’s true. Kids like you did it too him. It’s not like he can take a pass on all those damn cookies, eggnog, and fudge. He’s gotta pack it down to look grateful. Horrible for a guy, especially at his age. I’m trying to warn you, so you’ll be emotionally prepared either way. Now, what was it you wanted from Santa so I can deliver the message.

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This is very funny. You go back home for the holidays and your mom still has that way about her. Not quite approving but smothering all at the same time. And as she pulls your check into her ample saggy breasts and pats your head, and mutters shit about you finding a good woman some day, and reaching your true potential some day…you get fed up wiggle out of her grasp and scream Christ, Ma. Your little nieces start to cry. Your uncle is laughing. Your sister rolls her eyes.

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Remember the real reason for the season, and if that’s too hard because of all the goddamned commercialism and the Black Fridays and Cyber Mondays and asshole kids demanding all the bullshit they saw on Youtube, then we need to take a little more forceful action, like praying to Jesus to beat Santa down with a baseball bat. Amen.

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Get This Tee from 6 Dollar Shirts

If the shirt design has anything to do with guns and Georgia there’s a 79% chance we’re talking about The Walking Dead. Judging from the shirts per vendor capita, I would venture to guess The Walking Dead is the most popular show on television…a smidge above Breaking Bad. There’s a new The Walking Dead tee design pumped out every 17 minutes in North America alone. It’s amazing. Zombies!

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Merry Krampus T Shirt

by on November 27, 2012

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Wait, why isn’t this dude more prominent in the Christmas mythology. Krampus is the punisher of children. Motivate on both ends. Be good get gifts. Be bad get whipped and sent to hell. Seems reasonable and balanced. And that tongue is spectacular.

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Pong T Shirt

by on November 27, 2012

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Sadly, I think I would still enjoy pong today. It’s amazing how little there was to do in that game, but how overwhelming it could be if the ball got going fast enough. It’s like the new evolution is video game reaction time. Everything else is regressing in humans but that. Pong must have first been released in 1972. Either that or guy on the left is getting a real ass whooping.

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I Want To Believe T Shirt

by on November 27, 2012

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Isn’t there a little something in all of us that still wants to believe in Santa Claus. The magic and mystique. Oh wait, no I don’t really want to believe in that at all. Nor do I want to be a kid again with wide-eyed wonder. I prefer knowing a couple of things although maybe being this cynical isn’t so super good for my mental health. Wait, this is a cute shirt about wanting to believe in Santa and I went off the rails and started talking about psychology. Ah, it’s all the same. Merry Christmas!

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Jesus Fresco Fail T Shirt

by on November 26, 2012

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It’s enough that this shirt is called Jesus Fresco Fail. That’s funny all by itself, but wait…you get a picture too. Shephard Fairey would be proud of the attempt to shoehorn Jesus into his ubiquitous OBEY poster style.

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Get This Shirt From Snorg Tees

What’s this Murica thing all about? We’re not just highlighting the way rural folk talk are we? Something else is going on. A TV show perhaps? A cartoon from 1993. What is it? A meme with cats? Well, if it is something more, not even the Urban Dictionary knows.

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