Tshirt Hell

Tshirt Hell is probably the most blatantly offensive tee site on the Net, but you can tell there’s a brain behind all the bustle. Sometimes the designs miss the mark and are just in poor taste, but sometimes they push it just enough to be dangerously hilarious.

dont-bother-me-im-wasting-potential-teeHey, just love what you’re doin’ when you’re doin’ what you’re doin’. If you came out of the womb in perfect karate kick form and everybody including the fat nurse behind the desk, knew you were something special even while the after birth clung to your weird blotchy, spongy skin, and it was downhill from there. Including disappointment…Daddy is santa claus, mama’s the Easter Bunny, and both have lovers on the side.

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this-orgy-sure-is-off-to-a-slow-start-tshirtIf you can handle the eyes. If you can handle the attention. If you’re one that can work a crowd, then you may be the ideal candidate to wear this shirt to the next gathering. Some suggested gatherings including Campus Crusade for Christ meeting. Your gramma’s knitting club. A tupperware party. Yoga class. Busy subway ride. Fishin’ trip with the guys.

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make-lemonade-tee

Let me go through this again. Pull off any crappy pre-made lemonade off the shelf or from the freezer in concentrate form and you will probably find the following ingredients. Ain’t as simple as all that squeeze lemon, mix in water and sugar. No way. To remember this you probably need to print out the following truism and tape it to your wall:

When life hands you: high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavors…MAKE LEMONADE.

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Plain Clothes Cop Tee

by on October 10, 2009

plain-clothes-cop-tshirtGoin’ deep undercover with this shit. Just a tshirt lookin’ like you belong on the street. Settin’ up scores, movin’ in deeper toward the epicenter on the operation. No way a real plain clothes cop wears a plain clothes cop tee. Right?

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Not Brad Pitt Tshirt

by on October 8, 2009

not-brad-pitt-teeUm, sometimes you have to let the chicks know what to expect. Tell ’em “hey, I know you’re squinting in this dark, murky establishment and I’m about 6 foot, sculpted jaw, good teeth and beautiful shock of hair, so you may have heart palpiltations, thinking I might be Brad Pitt getting away from the brood and the ball and chain, but really I’m Not Brad Pitt.”

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guess-he-cant-tee-shirtBarack Obama just can’t get it done. I voted for the man, but shit is still bad and getting worse. Most definitely better than it would be with George Bush and even John McCain, but still…put some bankers in jail. Kick the Fed’s ass. Have some balls and stand up to the rampant corporate malfeasance and then talk to me about some change.

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am-i-still-here-tshirtYou were going to drop in, glad hand, face time, and skidaddle. But, some benevolent bloke passed you a beer, and through the haze you could see some hotties in the corner. So, you dig in and start to work the room. Except, you discover, the hotties weren’t and there’s at least three predatory douche bags tryin’ to sell worthless shit.

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Sailor Trash t-shirt

by on September 28, 2009

sailor-trash-t-shirtShip’s on blocks. Drinkin’ Mickey’s Big Mouths instead of rum. Yelling at the first mate to get ‘ir done. Wife beater. Ratty lawn chair. Laundry hangin’ up all over the place. Lookin’ for pieces of wood to use as furniture in the cabin. Talkin’ about the good ol’ days sailin’ the high seas that never happened. Dreamin’ about the next boat race at the man made lake by the fair grounds.

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im-all-for-being-social-but-this-is-fucking-bullshit-teeYou thought you were going to be having a bang up time. Booze, women, and hearty laughs, but all of a sudden your in a room full of bankers and Wall Street assholes and you’re so mad ‘cuz they’re just laughing at all the shit they’re getting away with and all you want to do is yell.

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Fuck Tetris Tshirt

by on September 28, 2009

fuck-tetris-tshirtThese are my sentiments exactly. The game blows. Crappy graphics. And, of course, I really suck at it, but that’s not the main point. The main point is when it comes time to waste time, I have about 47 other things that are way better than Tetris.

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sorry-about-what-happens-later-teeYou have to be sophisticated when it comes to the social graces of trolling the streets and bars for companionship and tail. Put your best foot forward, let the drunk haze accentuate the good, then be yourself after the good times rolled. You have the signed waiver that says you’re covered from having to carry on the chivalrous night charade for more than a conniving evening.

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gluten-for-punishment-tshirtWith all the hubbub about crooked bankers, greedy CEOs and bought and paid for politicians, the high profile peddlers of gut-wrenching gluten always seem to get a free pass…until now. That little squishy dough boy is getting his just deserts really: the stockade.

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