This is just plain sad, but someone has to say it and someone has to wear the shirt to spread the news that zoos are just the saddest places on Earth if you really think about it. Animals pulled from their native habitats and placed in what essentially is a work cube. Yeah, zoos will say they saved some of these animals because they were injured or their natural habitat was being encroached upon. Or they’ll say that they are happy because they are mating and propagating the species. And, I have to admit, some of the exhibits are vastly superior to the cages that used to serve as viewing rooms for wild animals. But, still it’s sad looking at elephants waving their trunks back and forth in absolute boredom. Big beastie cats pacing back and forth wanting to eat every damn human  that comes to gawk.
So, this Zoo Where the Used to Be Wild Things Are T Shirt speaks truth and should be worn, so if you have any heart at all you’ll buy it and spread the news, and then maybe all zoos will be shut down. Of course, then these “domesticated beasts” will just die because their instincts have been blunted. Wow, I sort of feel like I’m talking about my life in my mom’s basement, but apparently I have a choice.

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Hey, this is funny on a several different levels. Normally these transformers turn into cars or planes or other cool things, so that they can’t be recognized easily on Earth, but here’s Optimus Prime, the leader of the good guys, putting on a funny nose and glasses disguise hoping the decepticons and the humans that don’t understand don’t recognize him. That’s pretty funny. The semi cab wasn’t working for him apparently. Actually, I think he’s trying to look more human so he can get with Megan Fox. Steal her from Shia LaBeouf’s character, Sam Wickiwhack.

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Hey God would never exhibit wrath toward the first dude he created. Adam was so innocent and pristine when he first got plopped on Earth. He was God’s guinea pig. How could God have so much anger toward him that early. I mean I can see this playing out with Vlad the Impaler, evil dictators throughout history, every single person that has worked on Wall St. for the last 15 years, my ex wife, the entire C-Suite and Board of Directors at Monsanto, and Scott Walker, but the first dude he hadn’t had time to fuck up. Eve wasn’t even there yet to lead him to the path of iniquity.

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Nice wordplay. For the uninitiated — and that’s no shame, especially now that you are here and bettering yourself — this is a play on Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy, which is a common thread among the hip hop, and rap community, because it really is not. You have to find good hos. You have to keep those hos workin’ for you, and by workin’ I mean givin’ seedy, sweaty, fat duds handies next to the smelly dumpster in the darkest alley. You have to hit some hos when they start to get out of line. You have to work some of the clientele that is slow to pay. You have to maintain an exquisite wardrobe, including keeping your hat at a perfect tilt.

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This is in reference to the Business Time video from The Flight of the Conchords duo.

“You’re wearing that same ol’ ugly baggy t shirt with the stain on it that you got from that team building exercise you did for your old work several years ago. Team Building Exercise ’99 T Shirt.”

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Superbad McLovin T Shirt

by on February 18, 2011

There cannot be enough versions of this McLovin T Shirt. Superbad was a great movie and the fake ID with the name McLovin scene was just an absolute gem. Everybody likes that shit and Christopher Mintz-Plasse was spectacular. On a side note, it looks like Mr. Mintz-Plasse turned 21 last summer, so he won’t run into the sort of trouble he got into buying alcohol in the movie. Can you imagine working in a liquor store these days, and he comes in. I would lose my shit, give away stuff for free, scream McLovin like 40 times, and probably get fired on the spot. Totally worth it.

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Get a 1502 or higher. Guaranteed. That’s quite a guarantee, so if you want to qualify for a good school, and you’re in the Bayside High School area you may want to look up Bayside SAT Prep and get prepared for the biggest test of your life. This, of course, is a Saved By the Bell reference. Zack Morris wasn’t a particularly great student but he did score a 1502 on his SATs and got into Yale. Good for him.

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I have no idea what this is about. I’ve never played in Super Mario. I know mushrooms give you power ups, lives and more, but I don’t think anybody is eating this dude who kind of looks like that Jackass midget, Jason “Wee Man” Acuna, with a big Mario mushroom looking turban, and a buff bod. So, maybe you become friends with him or punch him or what the hell. I don’t know, and I don’t want to go and try to find out.

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The house on this shirt looks like it’s in party mode 24/7. It’s got a party hat that I doubt ever comes off, and it has a red door and a red bush, and red lights shining out the windows. That my friend is a party. And, I’m not making allusions to red door churches, red bush women, and red light districts. That would be like a massive binge, but it would be unsustainable. Whereas sticking with a permanent house party hat is something you can pull off for years.

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Keg Line Polo Shirt

by on February 16, 2011

Somehow I’ve missed this shirt in the Snorg Tees collection. Could be I’m always on the look out for t shirts and don’t notice a polo shirt. But, this is really kind of funny. Usually that polo logo stands for classiness and a certain social class, but now you have a chance to flip that shit upside down by wearing the Keg Line Polo Shirt. That’s a little keg embroidered on your polo. No one will even notice until they get up close and at that point it’s too late. They’re going to see it and either be offended that you’ve made the upscale polo crass, or they’re going to be blown away at how awesome your sense of humor and love of beer is. Either way it makes a statement and what’s better than making statements without even having to say a word.

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Nerd: I’m a N3rd T Shirt

by on February 16, 2011

Used to be this kind of public admittance of such a fact would make you an outcast for life, doomed to living in your mother’s basement with a wedgie that you were unable to extricate from your ass crack. Now, here we are in 2011, and you can call yourself a nerd using a “3” instead of an “e” and that’s like a battle cry. You are basically declaring yourself awesome, and people will either agree or disagree, but there’s no doubt that you’re not going to be picked on and shunned because of the admittance. You’re going to be taken seriously. Yes, people will want to test you and have you give proof that you really are indeed a nerd, because if it’s true, you’re on top of the social pyramid. Nerds rule the earth.

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Love this shirt, especially on Valentine’s Day. She’s out there on the veranda thinking to herself, what the fuck did I get into, Jesus is all I need. Forget that I need a man, and scissoring once a month when the Mother Superior is away ain’t cuttin’ it. Thank God for these damn butts or I don’t think I could uphold the the Mother Mary tradition up in here.

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