Barney Stinson, played by Neil Patrick Harris in the TV show How I Met Your Mother, has a few pet sayings including Suit Up and Legen Wait For It Dary and high five. Funny stuff if you’re into TV comedy, which I’m not because I don’t have time to watch TV because I’m too busy watching Internet.

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This is funny. It’s a Zombie Food Pyramid T Shirt and all it is brains. A varied diet is overrated anyway. If a certain food is best for your blood type and cultural heritage, eat it…a lot. Brains happen to be the perfect food for zombies so they should eat it every chance they get. It’s good for them. Forget being a foodie and trying to “broaden your horizons” and “try new things” and get all the colors of the rainbow in your diet. Just eat what’s best for you. Look dogs eat the same kibble their entire lives with an occasional heal of bread, or scrambled eggs that were left on the table since breakfast. And they’re good. Super healthy and live to be like 900 in dog years. Yep. Every one of them. Ever since dogs were invented, they have lived into their 900s. No exception. If you think your dog died early in its life in that you’re wrong. The humane society lied to you about its age.

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You can only wear this shirt if you have confidence oozing out of every pore and orifice. I’m not joking. Go to your doctor. Get a blood test. A piss test. And a sweat test. A snot test. A fecal test. Get ’em all. You have to have at least 75% confidence showing up in all of those numbers.

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It’s a dick joke. Yay. Everybody loves dick jokes. This Ask Me About My 12 Inch T Shirt would be especially funny on me, since I actually rock about 1.5 inches flaccid, and 4.25″ rock hard. I’m not lying I totally measured it in my mom’s basement. Yeah, that’s right ladies, I’m 40 and I still get rock hard.

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This is an absolutely spectacular shirt. The ruffles. The suit jacket. You can imagine this monkey has a tail sticking out of the tails in his colorful jacket. The knickers. Buckle shoes. Hosiery. Let your imagination run wild as you stare at this Forefather T Shirt. Look deep into the monkey’s eyes. Imagine that you are caressing it’s powdered wig. Enjoy the statesmanly white beard. And realize that Headline Shirts is making a statement that a lot of vocal individuals WILL NOT LIKE. Evolution happened!

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Available in Men’s and Women’s Sizes.

This has to be a top candidate for one of the weirdest, creepiest, and awesomist shirts around. It basically took the ironic wolf shirt to the next level. Scratch that…I think it took that concept to its ultimate conclusion and it is awesome like the ocean is awesome or God is awesome. Scary and amazing and you want to jump in, but it totally takes you breath away to even think about letting go and entering the unknown waters.

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Sup Brah T Shirt

by on March 20, 2011

If you’re sitting in the Midwest right now, still freezing your ass past late March, then you know what I’m talking about when I say you need to bring a little of that 80 degree beach weather into your life. And, really, there’s no better way to do that than this Sup Brah T Shirt. Because this is surfer speak and nothing brings the briny blast and sun bleached laid back vibe like a surfer.

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Adam Sandler busts out the scuba gear to get the little punk kid to take a bath and to be nice to the delivery man in the movide Big Daddy. You can tell the kid is a handful because he’s wearing a Hooters shirt, jumping on the couch, and smacking Rob Schneider on the head. I never saw this movie, but there’s always some funny stuff in a Sandler movie, even if the last dozen have been lame overall.

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Wow. This one really hits close to home and by home I mean to say my mom’s basement. I really have been doing  some soul searching and have decided I have to make some changes. I need to get out of this basement a little bit, and I think the greatest excuse in the world to do it would be to hit various karaoke nights in night time establishments throughout the city and practice my karaoke.

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Unlucky Rabbit T Shirt

by on March 19, 2011

This shirt is disgusting and sad and there are probably 21 million people in the world that it appeals to, so I’m going to review it for the degenerates. That poor rabbit was down on his luck. Divorced. Lost his job. Every one of his 92 kids hated him. Until, one day, lying under the bridge it dawned on him. I’m going to turn this thing around. Rabbit feet are supposed to be lucky, but they’re not working for me, so maybe I have to wear one around my neck rather than just have them naturally at the end of my leg.

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Such a delicious little wordplay and a terrific image on this Comb Over to the Wild Side T shirt.

Let’s break it down. Dude has the male pattern baldness big time, so to hang on a little longer before he just embrasses the clown hairdo or goes ahead and does a Michael Jordan shave, he grows those little side hedgerows real long…at least the right side. And before he leaves the house every morning he carefully comes the long hairs across the bald expanse to the other side. And, now the shiny pate doesn’t blind people, but then again it’s not fooling anyone.

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Good movie. Crazy premise. Murder of the entire wedding party, but the pregnant bride survives barely. Now, she’s out for revenge against the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. Of course, the squad has it’s own wikipedia page, because why wouldn’t a fictional band of hoodlums from a movie have one, especially one dreamed up by movie savant Quentin Tarantino for his Kill Bill picture.

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