October 2010

Cute shirt. Donut hole, finds the mothership donut. Mothership donut says “you complete me” because then the donut hole is filled. Wait, why are they called donut holes. That would imply nothing. They should have mimes working at donut shops and when you buy 2-dozen donut holes they do that whole elaborate mime thing where they fake like they have one of those foldable donut boxes, and some tongs and they fill the whole thing up with “holes.” They hand it to you, then they cut the mime crap and ring you up for real. And when you don’t pay they get belligerent and start calling you the worst names you can think of. Then, they call the cops and the cops make you pay because they point at the fine print on the sign behind the counter that talks about how these are the freshest donuts you will ever stuff in your fat face.

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They’re really selling this thing. It looks sort of an elegant abstract piece and I don’t necessarily think people would think of it as representative of a cum shot unless you told them. Of course, if it was a string of pearls, with the silver in the same spot that would be more of an indicator.

Read more on This Silver Pearl Necklace Shaped Like Splooge and Has No Actual Pearls…

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There are people that are horders or collectors or gotta have the latest and greatest gadget, gizmo, or in this case basketball kicks. Lebron is already droppin’ his South Beach shoe as the 8th in his Nike series.

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Did Conan O’Brien say this or something, because what’s the deal with the ginger riding the dinosaur on the shirt? That’s CoCo. Right? I personally don’t think it would be that much fun at all, because I don’t think dinosaurs would be very good rides, like, say, horses, or your mama (ha, ha, ha….you saw that coming from 42,000 miles away…right!?)

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Misdirection galore here. That’s a baseball player taking a mighty cut, aiming for the cheap seats, but probably whiffing super badly because Tim “The Freak” Lincecum just threw a nasty slider. It has nothing to do with a touchdown, which is the name of a score worth six points in the game of American football. That’s why it’s funny. People will come up to you scratch their heads and walk away. Hot women will get it right away and totally want to jump your bones…yeah, even you are a girl. It’s just what happens when you wear the Touchdown Baseball Batter T Shirt.

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Hey, put away the sleeping pills. Stop knotting up that rope with the noose. Take the live ammo out of the gun. You can make it through. Oh wait, I think I’m analyzing this 03687 Days Since the Last Time I Gave a Shit T Shirt all wrong. The person wearing this isn’t suicidally depressed. This person is telling others that he’s at the point where this life is pretty much just a crapshoot of random events and when you die, you get burned to a crisp or buried six feet deep, so in the meantime, why really get all wound up about stuff.

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This is an acceptable shirt offering from T Shirt Hell. Yes, it has the “F” word but I don’t have a problem with that, as long as it’s not worn in front of children. In fact, I love the “F” word in all its usage cases and rich variety of tenses and parts of speech. Do you love the “F” word. Actually, I guess a more important question is do you like the I Fucking Love to Cuddle T Shirt, which gains its humorous power from the juxtaposition of a sweet warm fuzzy thing like cuddling with the word fucking. That’s the joke and it’s effective.

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Apparently the dude was cheating for years and years and his mistress went to a vigil the same day the wife did, and the mistress was calling out his name, so she figured out something was funny. Though glad that he’s alive and well, she’s totally over him: Here’s how The Sun reported it:

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Wait! There were Mexican Pirates in a LAKE between Texas and Mexico. What? Wait! There’s water land locked water between Texas and Mexico. What?

My condolescences to the Hartley family, especially wife, Tiffany Hartley, but that story sounds like something you’d see in a Tim Burton movie or something. Fantastical and horrible.

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Not sure if I can get behind this whole vulgarization of the classic Nutcracker Suite. One way you look at this Tshirt and you have this soldier bustin’ enemy nuts, or a guard bustin’ prisoners nuts, or law enforcement bustin’ criminals nuts. And, the other way you look at it, you have this stiff dude bustin’ a nut on dame (if you know what I mean).

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Pop A Smurf T Shirt

by on October 15, 2010

Wordplay alert. Of course, this is just gross. Yeah, we get it. Curmudgeonly people don’t like sickly sweet cartoon characters, so envisioning them blowing each others brains out brings a chuckle. Ha Ha.

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I’m pretty sure this shirt is referring to cunnilingus. Let me tell you why. You have to assume most of these offerings from T Shirt Hell are funny t shirts for men. Right? If you take that into consideration, you can put yourself into the shoes of a man that has made the poor decision to wear a terrible, offensive shirt from Tee Hell. In this case, that man is walking around with OK But Wash It First T Shirt prominently displayed on his chest. The girl that sees the shirt has to think that it means he’s preemptively answering the statement, I will only go to bed with you, if you go down on me. It’s the only way I get off. At which point the dude can just point at the shirt.

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